K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
