the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
