He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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