Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
