I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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