I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't put those talents on a resume
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
