HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
