Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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