dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
