I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
