she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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