I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
