end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
