Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
