Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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