we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
