isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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