had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
