I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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