I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
