yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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