I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
