where am i from again
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
