I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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