You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
ttyl tear gas
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
