Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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