Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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