I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry about my life...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
