i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
