At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
