dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
