my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
