Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
