Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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