My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Terrible idea I love it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
