Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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