so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
