fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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