I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
