Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
