If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
