Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Someone signed my nipple.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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