No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
