So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
