Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
