dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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