My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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