Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
