Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
