You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
