You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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